If you’re looking for somewhere to play and haven’t checked out your Party Poker account recently, this might be a good time to do so. Over the last week or so they’ve been dishing out some more goodies in the form of free cash or account specific deposit bonuses.

I got one yesterday -- the ‘worst’ deposit bonus, 15% to $75, 12x raked hands to clear or 30x in the casino, 7 days to clear. Since my Interpoker cashout hit I decided to latch on to this one right away. 900 raked hands required for the max bonus. Party has been upping their clearance requirements, but their bonuses are still attractive because you can play low stakes. I’m not a huge Party fan but I do love their bonuses. Mmm, cake.

Bought in, sat down, went on a ridiculous heater playing limit. Once I was up a fair amount, I decided to grind through as many of the remaining hands as fast as possible with minimum variance – by playing $25 NL.

Nine tables of $25 NL.

Ow, my eyes. They still hurt this morning. Being able to resize Party tables is a huge plus, but cramming 9 tables onto a single 19” 1280x1024 screen is a bit much.

I made it through 90% of the requirements and will be looking to finish up either tonight or tomorrow. The primary goal will just be to get done with it and cash out with a nice profit. Hit and run.

Then I’ll have to decide what to tackle next. I have some bonuses stacked up at Stars, Titan and maybe a small one at Full Tilt. I’ll probably hit the remaining Cryptos that allow US players in early October. Other ideas are always appreciated.

---

Commence crotchety Andy Rooney style rant:

I regularly wonder what planet people are living on. Today’s object lesson: Superlatives.

I went through the McDonald’s drive-thru this morning to grab some breakfast. While waiting I had ample time to review the motivational and congratulatory messages someone had ‘chalked’ (‘painted’?) on the restaurant windows. Directly above the window where I eventually got my McGriddle was written:



Mentally insert a graphic of the O RLY? owl here if you wish.

I had the entire six minute drive to the office to ponder this assertion. My observations, which are unfortunately not as limited as they should be, is that our local McDonald’s crew is composed in significant part of surly incompetents. They’re great at screwing up orders, but I can’t even say that they’re the greatest. Maybe by ‘greatest’ they mean ‘most underpaid’. Or ‘closest to adequate’. Or ‘in the grand scheme of things, not so bad’. Or ‘please please please don’t leave we have enough trouble finding people who will work here’. But world's greatest? Please.

Misuse of superlatives is everywhere.

I’ve had a free Mail.com email account for years. I should have dumped it long ago, but never have out of laziness and concern that I’d lose passwords or miss an important email.

Right there at the top of every screen, you see:



Again,

Mail.com has 10000% more annoying “features”. Flashing ads. Numerous popups. It’s slower than me at the end of a mile run. No virus protection. You name it. The only way you could possibly say it’s the best is to ignore every single other platform out there. In a sample size of one it looks pretty freaking spectacular.

I am very afraid of what the not-best might look like.

In the mail yesterday I received a magazine highlighting the Best Lawyers in Michigan. I flipped through it during a boring phone call and observed that about 99% of said ‘Best’ lawyers were big firm lawyers from Grand Rapids and the Detroit area.

How do you suppose they defined ‘Best’? Most expensive? Largest ego? Most resources to call upon to handle the big cases? Finest appearance in a $2,000 suit? Idiots. Nice circle jerk designed to sell magazine subscriptions.

Where I am I going with this, you ask?

Well, nowhere really. But please be advised:

A highly sophisticated survey has determined that THIS IS THE BEST POKER BLOG EVER.

Just try to prove me wrong.

Allegiant Air appears to be running a special to Las Vegas -- outbound flight legs to Vegas for $21. I haven't seen any advertising on this special, so I have no idea how long it'll last.

This is the best price I've seen out of Lansing in months. If you're thinking about going and Allegiant serves an airport near you, this might be a good time to book!

I'm having a hard time getting my head around the idea that someone you had dinner with Sunday night can be gone by Tuesday morning. As cliche as it may be, live for the here and now.

*

Thanks for all the Bash at the Boat trip reports. Sounds like everyone had a great time, wish I could have gone. Maybe Vegas sometime.

*

Lost $6 playing PLO at Titan last night. Missed every flop. But I kept my Silver VIP status for another month, so I really only lost ... $6. No idea what being a Titan VIP does for me, other than generate more favorable reloads. Also cleared the last of my Interpoker bonuses over the weekend and requested a cash out -- until that hits I have virtually nothing in play, so this is likely to be a quiet week on the poker front.

*

In breaking news, Will Hill (part of Cryptologic network) is no longer doing business with U.S. players. You have to cash out any balances via their website, www.willhill.com. I've done that and will miss one of the best low limit bonuses around, even if the site is completely ^&*(!ing rigged.

I have a decidedly uninteresting life, which is one reason I tend not to get too much into the details when blogging. Every once in a while, though, it's weird enough that I'll violate that principle. And others if necessary.

I'm sure that recounting dreams on your blog qualifies you as at least ubergeigh, but I'll bore you with the short version of one anyway, if only because I don't ever recall being so freaked out when I woke up. Usually, I don't even remember the details, even though they're always plenty vivid while they're happening. I think I was disturbed by this one because it involved the afterlife, which is never, ever involved. I prefer to ignore my own mortality.

We'll pick things up after a plane crash involving a couple other people I don't remember. There is a bright light, and we're greeted in a fairly antiseptic waiting room. In answer to my question, we're told that it's true, we can't go back. So we move along.

Oddly enough, the exit appears to be into a casino of some sorts. People are playing table games. I run into my father, who's just sitting down to a poker game. He wasn't on the plane and he doesn't play poker. He pulls out this brick of chips. They're all stuck together in one piece, but it doesn't matter. Everyone has one in front of them. Somehow, the pot is always right.

How do you suppose they DO that?

I woke up before figuring it out.

Oh, and what do you suppose I ever did to 1992 Olympic medalist Shannon Miller to cause her to take over the plane, commando style, and crash it into my childhood home? I'm pretty sure I had no idea who Shannon Miller even was. I had to google her this morning to find out -- I'm not joking.

Shut up. I'm going to go take my mind off things by fixing this:



Weekends are good, even when they're kinda creepy.

---

Moving along to other yesterday activities, prior to watching Michigan State perform a world-class choke job against Notre Dame, I got in a few bunch of hands. Early returns were extremely bad, as I got pounded. Dropped three short PLO buyins when getting it in against what turned out to be a better hand. Switched over to some limit HE and went on a heater, picking up 15-20 BBs in short order.

End result was a down day, but not as bad as it was. This after a Friday night where I got killed early before making a major comeback and finishing in the black.

I still have to accumulate 128 MPPs to finish clearing my last stacked Interpoker bonus, so I'll be playing a bunch more over the next couple days.

---

Time to make the biscuits.

Thanks to the DADI guys for allowing me to freeroll last night's event. No joy, as I finished 17th or something. I lost two monster pots, one to Hoyazo when he finally caught up on 7th street in Razz (suckout), and one to Drizz when my rivered frush was destroyed by a runner-runner full house in Stud (that one just sucked). It was entertaining even so. Congrats to those who cashed.

I continue to try and grind through hands at Interpoker to clear some accumulated bonus money. I'm getting there and have been slightly profitable so far, but last night was minus a buyin. Couldn't connect with a board, and toward the end my level of play dropped into the danger zone. I'm back at it tonight.

Speaking of Cryptos, I got an email from PokerPlex that they're juiced up their monthly bonus. It used to be $50 for 250 raked hands (MPPs), which I've done a couple times. Now, it's much bigger and better:

$20 will be credited to players’ accounts as soon as they reach 100 MPPs.
An additional $30 as soon as players reach 250 MPPs.
An additional $50 as soon as players reach 500 MPPs. .
An additional $100 as soon as players reach 1000 MPPs.
So for a total of 1000 MPPs players will receive a total of $200.

That's right, up to a $200 bonus every month.

Shameless shill, in case you haven't done this site before:




Yeah, yeah. I know. Have I mentioned the repeated stackings that I've experienced so far this evening? Sigh. That's what I get for being improperly bankrolled.

edit: Never mind. Vive le donkey play!

Maybe one of these days I'll have actual content.

Not much going on. The most exciting news here in Podunk is that we're getting another chain auto parts store! I guess the dozen or so that we have already, including a brand new outfit that opened a month ago, were not sufficient. Maybe each family needs its own personal retailer. Maybe the parts business has been taken over by the same people who decided that we need about 30 banks.

This is a long-winded way of saying 'nothing to see here, move along, play the DADI on Full Tilt tomorrow night.

---

I really should not play tournaments. Due to some marginal weather, I was home in time to play the WWdN tournament last night.

75 minutes or so in, it's folded around to Easycure in the SB. He pushes. I'm in the BB and pretty short (M of about 4) after making a bad river call. I have ATo, the second-best hand I've seen in 45 minutes. It's at least 75/25 that he's stealing. I call, he shows A4o.

You guessed it, poker sucks. Reading back the last month or two, pretty much every tournament 'report' ends with me losing after putting it all in as a sizable favorite. This was no different.

At least EC put those chips to good use. Sigh.

---

Instead of chatting it up during the tournament, I worked on grinding through some more hands to clear a bonus. I got my ass handed to me playing over-my-bankroll six max hold'em over the weekend, so I went back to PLO. When my table broke last night, I couldn't find another that I liked at my usual levels, so I decided to try something different.

I'm on the record as being in favor of taking the full buyin in Pot- and No-Limit games. It's deeply satisfying to stack shorties at little risk to yourself, and you want to maximize the amount you can win when taking on opponents with bigger stacks.

Anwyay, like I said, I couldn't find another table to play. The best I could find was a 200 Euro PLO game for which I am VERY much NOT bankrolled for.

Time for an experiment: Buy in for about the minimum (I believe the kids on 2+2 refer to this as 'ratholing') and push hard with anything decent.

Bingo. AAxx single suited. There's a raise to E9. I repop to E31.

Oops. 3 callers.

Disconnected flop with two of my suit. Two checks to me, I push for what I have left, which is a pathetic 1/6th of the pot or something. Only one caller, whose QQ99 doesn't hit on the turn or river. Better than a triple up!

I was smart enough to quit with most of that intact and it more than covered my tourney buyin and losses at another table. A good day.

It was with great relief that I discovered last night that one of my favorite species of donkey had not become extinct.

Nothing brings happiness to a poker session quite like the increasingly rare sighting of a donkus maximus hominus hominus, that vaguely humanoid donkey with a distinctive trait – this species really, and I do mean really, hates money.

I reloaded on Interpoker to try and clear off some stacked bonuses before they expire at the end of this month. Since I’m a masochist, I decided to (a) play limit, (b) play above my bankroll -- standard -- and (c) play 6 max. Ugh. I found a loose, passive table and got busy. Picked up a few hands and a few bucks. Bled them back as I went card dead and some better players joined the table. I was about ready to call it a night when things changed.

Enter one maximum donkey.

Guy sits down on my right with about 75 BBs. He comes off as very loose and fairly aggressive postflop, and I have to fold some hands against him. I won a sizable pot to get back to about even.

And then, at some point, he went ^&*(!ing crazy. Started raising EVERY hand. When that happens, you can even play bad, get there, and win massive amounts of money.

At one point, I found myself on the button with A9s. I’m planning to go along for the ride for two bets against a random hand, but there’s a raise behind me and my buddy caps it. I have no business in this pot to begin with (yes, I know, I suck), but if I hit I’m going to get paid. Flop is JT2 with two of my suit. I have outs! Donkey boy again caps it – gee, I think the other player (not me) has a hand here. Turn is a brick, capped again, the river an ace. I don’t love this card, given potential kicker problems, but I’m not folding here for one lousy bet. Solid player had KK, donkey boy T8o.

Betting hard with second pair, no kicker. I’m telling you, some people just hate money.

Did I mention that I played this hand badly? I think I hear Sklansky crying. Too bad. I’ve been on the wrong side of luck vs. math far too often lately.

There were some assorted additional hands which involved my getting in with premium hands against my pal’s junk. For once, good cards held up and more cash slid my way. My pal eventually left down about 50 BBs, many of which found their way into my stack.

End result, best non-PLO session in a long, long time.

I’ll probably play some more this weekend, since bonus clearing one table at a time takes forever.

---

In other poker 'news', I received an email from Littlewoods today ... they're not doing business with U.S. players anymore. Funny, they'd just sent me a casino reload about three days earlier. Well, that's one less Crypto to do every month, but since I haven't played there since about March it won't be a big loss. Not enough time, not enough $$$.

Don't forget about the PokerStars reload running through Tuesday. 20% up to $120. I'll probably run some money through, but won't be able to max it. The bonus is less attractive than in the past, as it clears slower and Stars bonuses now (I think) have expiration dates, but it's still a pretty good deal.
---

BTW, Doug, like the banner, haven’t had the time or inclination to mess with the template. I’ll get on it one of these days. Thanks.

Just filling space and killing time.

Not much happening on the poker front. I've been idling away the spare hours watching the occasional football game -- hampered by the lack of cable and non-ABC TV reception -- and reading my way through the collected works of Peter Mayle courtesy of the library.

I'm not really sure why I'm bothering. Mayle is a one-theme writer. His schtick is Take one English guy- put him in the South of France- add eating-drinking-cultural misundertandings-hilarity ensues! Not all that much different that John (OMG-it'salawyer-who saves the day) Grisham or Tom (I'm Jack MFing Ryan and I'm here to promote world peace bitches) Clancy among others. Somehow he's managed to publish something like 14 books doing this.

Don't get me wrong. It's not bad, just a bit repetitious. I might even go see the (critically panned so far) movie version of A Good Year this fall ... if Grandma insists on seeing it, that is.

commence obligatory poker content

Poker has been a nonfactor lately. I played a few hours of short stack PLO on Saturday while participating in a fantasy football draft. Never was up more or down more than a few bucks, until I got stacked in standard PLO fashion. Flop the wheel, go along for the ride, redraw the nut flush on the river but it doesn't matter because the turn paired the board. So, so standard. Sigh.

While I was at it, I decided to take the five bucks or so I had on one of the other sites and rampage it up. That went nowhere fast. So bad at NL cash games.

Nothing more to say. Nothing to see here. Move along.

Because illiterates can't read, either.

Because they's good people.

Because I'm trying to drum up business for the Betty Ford Clinic.

Because of laziness.

Because it would take far too much booze.

Because that's not fair, they should all suck a lot.

Because I'm busy not caring.

Because I'm still busy not caring.

Because it's physically impossible.

Because it's mentally impossible.

Because I keep double-posting thanks to Blogger.

Because the URL is gay.

Because you lie, you liiiiiiiiiiie.

Because you're one of those women who love too much?

Because I'll get back to you on that eventually.

Because they're blinded by the glitter.

Because poker sucks.

Because television sucks.

Because water flows downhill.

Because he's not Bill.

Because he's a pussy.

Because he's not a pussy.

Because life sucks.

Because Microsoft sucks.

Because Jobs sucks.

Because it's like the crack.

Because crack is addictive.

Because they got too big for their britches.

Bceause he's all Atkins except on camera.

Because it's all about the Benjamins.

Because I have no idea what the fuck this is about.

Because the Monster passes off the leftovers.

Because life sucks more than a souped-up Hoover.

Because of the radio playing Metallica in the next row over.

Because Thong Thursday wasn't a big hit.

Because of the release of grease.

Because bad beats happen.

Because there's a shortage of AK-47s.

Because marriage hasn't been outlawed yet.

Because they're not in schools.

Because you're in the wrong state.

Because.

Grumble grumble ... stupid worst hand in hold'em ... grumble ... pocket aces on the button ... rsnfrsnrsnfrsn ... worst possible move, getting it all in preflop against GCox's QQ ... grumble ... [censored] river card ... grrrrrr ... AGFKAJHLEKGFLJGFL:KWEKJFHEWKHGLF! [censored] [censored] [censored] [censored] [censored] [censored]!

Why does it always have to be the [censored] river?

So. Tilted.

Okay, I'm better.

Nothing but the bad beat grumble this morning. Standard, since this is a crappy and dying poker blog.

Nice job, Mookie, raising a bunch of money for a deserving kid and a family that's trying to overcome a real bad beat.

Thank goodness the weekend is finally here. Time for a bad post with no interesting content!

First a brag. This evening's poker results so far: Poker winnings, $1.50. Bonus dollars 'won': $57.00.

No, that's not a typo, and yes, I still suck at poker.

The most rigged site on the internet, William Hill Poker doubled their monthly bonus for September. 50 GBP (almost $100), just for playing 5 hours of $1/$2 limit or $100PL/NL or higher.

Despite the fact that I've historically gotten absolutely KILLED at Will Hill (minus 5 BB/100 hands according to PokerTracker) and the general problem that the $1/$2 limit HE game is one of the worst anywhere, with table VPIPs running at about 20%, I could not resist.

I'm going to try not to go BUSTO over the next two hours.

Oh, and I should mention that the increased bonus has brought out the bonus whores in force -- there are more $1/$2 tables going than I have ever seen. Actually, now that I think about it, I think Interpoker and some of the other Cryptos have changed their rules for bonus clearing starting September 1, so that may be driving the increased traffic as well.

Now all they need are some fish.
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Yes, you're right. I'd rather be playing PLO. But when your bankroll in play is less than ONE full buyin at the minimum level required, that's, um, not an option. Clearing bonuses in general playing low limit PL or NL is pointless.

---

I donated in the 'Play with Gavin' satellite last night, finishing 8th when my 88 couldn't hold off SoxLover's tourist. Standard ace on the river. I do wonder, though, when I started wearing a 'steal my big blind, I'm weak tight' T-shirt.

---

If not for a power lip out on number two, I would have had the elusive birdie-birdie-birdie start to a round of golf on Wednesday. I don't think I've ever managed to do that. Of course it all went downhill from there, but it was fun while it lasted.

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Playing tight is boring. I might have to find a site with penny tables and donk it up playing every hand. That is a guaran-damn-teed good time.

End of bad post.