The things you come across when you read the paper...

---

"The village Inspection and Planning Department does control permits to allow the school to add modular classroom units on the campus. There are eight now. One is a portable toilet facility."

The way my luck has been lately, I know which trailer classroom I'd be stuck in.

---

4. A year ago, [Michigan State freshman point guard Drew Neitzel] was in high school in Wyoming, a rural suburb of Grand Rapids, which is not exactly an annual stop on the North Carolina recruiting trail.

If Wyoming (pop. 70,000) is a rural suburb, I fear for the future of agriculture in this country. You can't grow corn on 28th Street.

---

"There are some cringeworthy moments for some of the people here," acknowledged Danny Goldberg, the new chief executive of [liberal talk radio network] Air America's parent company. "I'm just in awe of all of them because they hung in there. Despite all these problems, they wouldn't let it die. The center held."

Right on! Truly beautiful use of a cliche. What's the center of left, anyway?

---

And don't get me started on the local newspapers and their collective inability to use spellcheck...

Why am I so cranky? Must be that feeling like crap brings it out. I better stop before I get REAL snippy.

It was way too short a time in the WPBT event tonight ... 88th out of 109.

Few things to mention:

I was dealt A6o five times in the first seven minutes. Internet poker is so rigged.

I got AA once, totally misplayed it and was chased down by AQo rivering a straight.

I busted out on a classic riverstars job. EP goes all-in. MP with bigger stack raises. I would have to go all in to call. I think. I have AKs. I have to take a shot at tripling up after the whole AA debacle. I call. Opponents both have AQ.

Flop and turn are four parts to a straight (6789). River is a Q and I go home now.

On the plus side, at least I did get to drop the Hammer:

PokerStars Game #1444268524: Tournament #6004332, Hold'em No Limit -
Level II (15/30) - 2005/03/30 - 21:20:57 (ET)
Table '6004332 1' Seat #6 is the button
Seat 1: larryvq (1830 in chips)
Seat 2: other_1 (690 in chips)
Seat 3: Posner60 (1400 in chips)
Seat 4: DeadMeek (890 in chips)
Seat 5: sethypooh21 (2138 in chips)
Seat 6: NemoD (2090 in chips)
Seat 7: tobyleah (1314 in chips)
Seat 8: on_thg (1973 in chips)
Seat 9: c_alt24 (1235 in chips)
tobyleah: posts small blind 15
on_thg: posts big blind 30
*** HOLE CARDS ***
Dealt to on_thg [2d 7h]
c_alt24: folds
larryvq: folds
other_1: calls 30
Posner60: folds
DeadMeek: folds
on_thg said, "ah. the money problem couldve been solved. not so
much the other part"
sethypooh21: folds
NemoD: folds
tobyleah: calls 15
on_thg: raises 120 to 150
other_1: folds
tobyleah: folds
on_thg collected 90 from pot
on_thg: shows [2d 7h] (high card Seven)
on_thg said, "hammer!"
*** SUMMARY ***
Total pot 90 | Rake 0
Seat 1: larryvq folded before Flop (didn't bet)
Seat 2: other_1 folded before Flop
Seat 3: Posner60 folded before Flop (didn't bet)
Seat 4: DeadMeek folded before Flop (didn't bet)
Seat 5: sethypooh21 folded before Flop (didn't bet)
Seat 6: NemoD (button) folded before Flop (didn't bet)
Seat 7: tobyleah (small blind) folded before Flop
Seat 8: on_thg (big blind) collected (90)
Seat 9: c_alt24 folded before Flop (didn't bet)

This is all one big damned conspiracy. I swear, the powers that be are doing their best to compel me to move to Minnesota.

Or at the very least shoot my television.

I was checking out search engine referrals in a futile effort to stave off sheer boredom, and it turns out that my favorite local media personality, Trisha Volpe -- I'm #5 in Google -- has left Grand Rapids for the greener fields of KARE 11 in Minneapolis. Good for KARE 11. Long time fan favorite - dating back to her KSTP days - Julie Nelson is already the 10:00 p.m. anchor there. Who will the cosmic forces conspire to send to the frozen tundra next, Rudi Bakhtiar?

And here we're left with Suzanne Geha and Juliet Dragos.

Not good times.

I just had a really good idea. Not a brilliant idea, mind you, but a pretty good one.

What this country really needs is one fewer time zone. Eastern, Central, Mountain, Pacific? Too many. Let's downsize one of them (Mountain being the weak sister of the bunch, it'd be out of here). Redraw the lines, and the world is instantly a better place.

Think about it. No longer does Monday Night Football have to extend until 1:00 a.m. East Coasties might actually be able to see a West Coast baseball game. WPBT Events could start earlier than 9:00 p.m.

I've even drawn a map of how this could work. Okay, so "drawn" is a pretty charitable description, but whatever:



This is too easy. The only state that's in more than one time zone is Montana, and since only about six people live there, no big deal. If it proves necessary, Maine, New Hampshire and Vermont could be moved to the Atlantic time zone, but is it really that likely that anyone will listen to the complaints of a bunch of granola-eating, tree-hugging hippie freaks?

For the sake of humanity, please, let's kill off Mountain Time.

Yeah, I know, I should just get a TiVo. But where's the fun in that?

A picture for Bob.

Trampled at the track Reamed at the racino Crushed at Canterbury Just another Friday night beatdown.

Somewhere along the way, I appear to have strayed from the path of righteousness. Yea, for though I swim through the valley of the fish, I can hook nary a guppy. Or something like that. Maybe I should have given up casino poker for Lent.

I had the opportunity to hit Canterbury Park on Friday for a few hours of no fold'em action, or, as I'll call it, the Pummeling at the Park. It was not Good Friday in there. Bad Friday. Bad Friday. Friday needed to be beaten up and left in a heap on the side of the road.

I survive stop and go traffic on I-494, arrive at about 5:00 p.m. and the place is an absolute madhouse. The guy ahead of me is signing up for 2/4 HE, and they tell him it'll be three hours. Minimum. I get my name on the lists for 3/6, 4/8 and 6/12. Those lists aren't much shorter. If I'd brought more money, I probably would have added the 8/16 to the mix, just to get in a few hours before I have to head home for some sleep. It looks like it's going to be a while, so I retire to the adjacent bar area for exactly one beer and a bracing dose of secondhand smoke. I twiddle my thumbs, watch the people, pay little attention to the basketball games and simulcasted horse racing, and page through the current issues of Card Player and Bluff. If they'd had anything else lying around, i probably would have read it just to fill the time. I did manage to avoid the -EV proposition of hitting the casino games room in search of a blackjack table, so I preserved my mini-roll for nothing but poker. Mostly, I just waited.

I should have had a couple more beers.

After about an hour and a half, I get called for 3/6. I buy in for two racks (overkill) and take a seat at a table in the middle of the room. As I'm sitting, I get called for 4/8. I elect to keep the 3/6 and wave off the alternate. Not five minutes later, I get the call for 6/12. Maybe I should have taken it. I'm just getting settled and so I stay where I am. This would prove to be not such a good decision.

The table where I'm seated is unremarkable. It's primarily populated with young guys of the sort that are filling the cardrooms of America, average age about 20. Some of them appear to know what they're doing, others are clueless. A rotating cast of other people float in and bust out - one guy of about 40 who played a lot of hands, including offsuit ace-rags. An asian guy who had no clue spent some time on my right -- I lead out on a hand the whole way down with top pair, top kicker, he just calls, and after calling (not raising) my river bet he flips over 8-5 sooted for a full house. What was he afraid of? There were appearances by a good looking Chinese lady and a very pretty Korean girl. Okay, I'm guessing on the ethnicities, but I feel pretty good about the reads. There was one late-arriving redneck hillbilly with jailhouse-style tattoos who raised often, but otherwise the table was extremely passive. Not incredibly loose, but definitely passive. Calling stations.

Just like me.

Except they play goot.

The first couple hours are mostly spent folding. I receive a steady stream of 6-high, 7-high, 8-high, 9-high. I receive 9-2 off three times before I see a pocket pair. I drag an insignificant pot when I limp on the button with Kd8d. No, I didn't make a flush, I rivered a one card straight with my 8. If anyone had shown any aggressiveness at all, I would have been gone. I get a lone pair of 4s, limp and fold. I get Kd8d on the button again, limp after three others and take another tiny pot with a pair of Kings. Couldn't believe nobody had an ace -- there was one on the flop. Nobody made a move. If I'm feeling something, maybe I raise preflop. Not here, not now.

The side benefit to folding often is that I have plenty of spare time on my hands. I waste some of it trying to mentally compose an ode to the beauty of one of the beverage girls. For some reason, I didn't get much past

"damn you're fine"

so I just give it up. I will give the Bury much credit for good beverage service. You can drink as many six ounce dixie cups of pop as you can handle. The beauty in question wasn't working the area I was in, but she was so diligent I got to see her walk by often on the way to and from the bar. I suspect she couldn't even get hired in Vegas, but hey, she had a nice smile. {end male pig mode}

Eventually, I get a few starting hands. I get two or three suited A-rags, limp and pretty much miss. I flopped four to the nut flush once, the action got pretty good, but the turn and river were no help. Flopped an open ended straight draw once, a nice pot built, and it didn't hit. Other than some minor misadventures with top pair, losing kicker, I don't play past the flop. Bleeding off chips. I get tens once and have to surrender to an ace and king on the flop. I get nines once and lose to an unimproved pair of tens.

It's not pretty.

One sequence was memorable. First off, I get 88 in the big blind. A couple limpers, the small blind completes, I elect to play for free. The flop comes (ugh) A-K-9. Switch on wuss mode. Turn is another overcard (a ten, I think). River is a low blank, less than an 8. It's checked around on the flop and turn. One bet on the river, the SB and I make crying calls. An unimproved JJ takes it down. The small blind tells me had 88 also. Any aggression I had was shown exclusively at the wrong times.

The next hand, I get TT in the small blind. One limper. I raise it. Flop comes K-rag-rag. I bet it out, the limper calls, Turn is unhelpful, and I decide to just check it. Villain checks. River is another K. I value bet in case he was playing for the straight or doesn't like his kicker, villain just calls and shows K-7 for, of course, the trips. Ugh. The very next hand, I get AA on the button. I raise, several people stay in and play. Flop is 7-8-9. Turn is unhelpful, 2 players stay in, river is a T. I fold in disgust to let a sooted J-rag beat the other player's 6.

Time for a walk. It's still hopping, but, surprisingly enough, the place didn't get noticably busier as the evening went on. Not typical from what I can tell.

Back to the action and some more folding, folding, folding. Eventually, I get dealt KK. I raise it up, and several people come along for the ride. Flop is Jack high, turn and river don't add much in the way of drama. There's a touch of straight potential, but it would require an odd card combination -- I think it was 8-6. I managed to get heads up on the flop and I required the villain to put the rest of his money along the way. He did.

Sucker had AA, unimproved. Crap. Now I'm really hurting. A couple more limp-and-miss exercises with suited Aces and a baby pocket pair or two and it's time for a rebuy.

The steam starts coming out of my ears as I am consistently called down and beat. I lose with TPTK (A-10) to an unimproved pair of jacks. Never had a clue, he just called. I lose with A-J to A-Q. Outkicked. It's time for another walk.

Sit back down. My big blind comes around -- oh, look, it's the black hammer (7-2 off in black). Sweet. I get to see the flop for free. It's 9-9-7. I bet it out, get one caller. Turn is another 9. I now have the HAMMERBOAT. I bet, get called again. River is an 8. I bet and .... you guessed it ... I am called. My beautiful hammer boat loses to pocket 8s. Bastard didn't even have the case 9 or queens or something.

About this time I rake my only sizable pot of the evening -- I get JdTd UTG and -- I'm pretty sure this is mathematically inadvisable -- play it. A nine and a queen come on the flop, a king on the turn completes my straight, and miracle of miracles, the river bricks. A win! I'm now down something less than 2 racks, but things go right back in the dumper, fueled by an ongoing bout of loose-weakness.

I get a borderline playable big blind hand, A-9o. Pretty marginal, right? An ace comes on the flop, let's bet it out and I get called down. Villain has A-10. Pocket 9s? Lose to pocket Jacks. Another A-J TPTK hand and I'm chased down by the raisin' hillbilly who eventually fills his flush playing 8-3 sooted. I know I raised preflop. Still wasn't enough to chase anyone off a potential monster hand.

All right. I gotta go. It's after 1:00 and I need to get up in a few hours for Saturday's non-poker-related festivities. I've got between $30 and $40 left in my stack, and with cranial pressure at somewhere at about 900 psi, I'm going to play something hard in my last orbit. Fold, fold, fold. I'm now UTG. I straddle, and raise it again when it comes back to me. Blind.

I really need to stop doing that.

I apply maximum force until I run out of chips. The board is a mostly ragged assortment of crap. One player has called me down.

I look. I have 10-7 off for Queen high.

Oops.

He's somehow got a Queen high flush.

Well, that was fun. Good luck, and I'm out of there.

Totals for the evening: Table hours, between six and seven. Premium hands, 3 (AA, lost. KK, lost. AKs, won small pot against A-rag). Sets, zero. Full houses or better, one (with 72o, lost). Straights, two (wins). Flushes, one (win). Two pair, one (bottom two, lost). Tilt, major. Patience, not so much. Grilled ham and cheese, tasty.

Brutally honest self evaluation time: I pretty much sucked. Granted, I got outdrawn quite a few times, but I made too many stupid plays. Calling when I should have been raising or folding. Playing suited A-rags out of position when I wasn't sure there'd be enough people following me in. Giving free cards on the turn when I should have been betting. Focusing too much on my own hand (or frustration) to concentrate on reading my opponents -- and factoring their tendencies into my own play. For the most part, I think I had good reads, I just didn't use that data much. Stupid.

And yet, I'll still happily go back. One of the reasons I enjoy playing at the Bury is that the people are nice. And without exception, they were. I recognized many of the same dealers, a couple of the same players and it's just a comfortable place to play. The players aren't great, and it is certainly possible to come out ahead.

Unless it's Bad Friday.

One other quick comment: I stopped at a bookstore on the way to the airport on Thursday, and they had quite a few copies of The Bad Ass Girl's Guide to Poker. I just flipped through it, but it looks great. I plan to pick up a couple copies next time I'm in for gift-giving purposes. They also had Harrington on Holdem, which I grabbed for a little in-flight read. Haven't gotten very far yet, but it's interesting. I'm thinking I'll play a few more tournaments, see if I can improve that part of my game and maybe help the bankroll recover a bit.

Played a few hours Friday evening at my favorite card room, Canterbury Park. As the title suggests, I got my ass handed to me. Although I certainly give my play an "F-minus" as too loose, too passive and too predictable, it was an astoundingly complete all-around slaughterfest.

I'll have some thoughts on this later, but for now suffice it to say it was a brutal, brutal affair.

Pure frustration. Running sets into straights. Straights into flushes. Flushes into boats. Beat on the flop, on the turn, on the river. Ugh. These things do inflict some damage on the ol' bankroll. Frustration.

Frustration is also bubbling out of the money for at least the third straight tournament.

And frustration is too finishing 3rd in a Prima Level 3 WSOP Sit'n'Go which earns you nothing more than the right to spend another hour and a half trying it all over again. At least I survived my donkeyesque play long enough to get a free retry.

No mas for now. Too frustrated.

because I always am holding a useless frush or straight.

Random musings of the day, composed while eating a Wendy’s spicy chicken sandwich for lunch so keep any expectations well in check:

If I were a local news anchor and had the misfortune to work with the freaks and misfits at WOOD TV 8, I do not think I could resist the urge to repeatedly refer to lead reporter Dray Clark as “Dr. Dray”.

Staying up late is overrated. During a bout of Sunday night insomnia, I watched the WPT Hollywood Home Game episode with Mike Sexton and Daniel Negreanu. Daniel wasn’t bad at all, but I had to wonder – where was Vince Van Patten? Getting his 100,000 cliché tuneup?

Thanks to FBucknell, I pretty much lost interest almost immediately in the NCAA tournament. I really don’t pay all that much attention to basketball – it’s my least favorite of the major sports – so I only did one bracket. I was tied for 5th out of more than 100 entries in after two rounds – I pick goot -- have three of my final four teams still alive, and I’m still mathematically eliminated. Fricking KU. It’s about time to put Kansas in the category of perennial tourney underachievers with the likes of Purdue.

From the crimes against humanity department, misdemeanor division: There are still no stations regularly showing NewsRadio reruns. The people that make programming decisions suck.

Speaking of odd programming decisions, why isn’t Doogie Howser, M.D. still in syndication? At the least, shouldn’t it be on TV Land?

For some unknown reason, okay, it was because I was watching the show that was on before, I happened to watch the premiere of “Vegas Garden of Love”, a reality show about a family that runs a Vegas wedding chapel. My review: Don’t bother.

On the subject of Vegas-related shows, there was a pretty interesting feature on the History Channel the other evening as part of their “Breaking Vegas” series on the MIT professor who pretty much invented card counting in blackjack. It looks like there’s another episode relating to card counting on tonight.

A&E’s Caesar’s 24-7 is so-so. I haven’t seen every episode, but the couple that I have seen have been a mix of interesting and annoying. It’s watchable, but only barely.

Why is so hard to find something worth watching when you have 100 channels?

I do not usually watch this many shows related to Vegas and gambling. But when there is nothing else on – you can’t even flip to a music video channel anymore since none of them actually play videos – it’s pretty much down to sports, gambling and Food Network as options.

Speaking of Food Network, if they replay their show about the opening of Bobby Flay’s new Vegas restaurant, it’s worth watching.

If I really wanted to improve my hit count, I’d sprinkle this post with words like TITS! and JESSICA SIMPSON NUDE and LESBIAN PORN. But because I’m not hit count driven, I (FREE IPODS! won’t.

And I will get back to work. Really. I mean it.

Paradise has an interesting tournament going at 8:00 pm ET tonight -- a $25 tournament, with the first prize being a seat at the main event of the World Series of Poker plus some other goodies. They ran the same event last night -- there were 222 entries. Not awful odds if you can commit a few bucks to trying to win it (it's a rebuy - there were more than $10k in buyins/rebuys/addons last night).

It's tempting, but I've got other stuff to do. That, and given the number of hands I've had to play to clear a lousy $100.00 bonus (still 120 to go), I think I'll skip it and concentrate on getting the bankroll to a sufficient level to be a real live bonus ho.

Top Five Screen Names of Players I've Played With Today, Vaguely Pornographic Division:
5. Cocass
4. Illspankyou
3. Byte_me
2. Camel-toes
1. DickFitzwell

It occurs to me that perhaps if I concentrated on playing instead of spitting out this pointless "content" I'd be winning more.

If you're looking for Guinness and Poker (by Iggy), you'll want to click here.

If you're looking for unwashed information about internet poker being RIGGED and how to beat the system, feel free to click here.

If you're looking for CNN Bakthiar wedding or reasons why Sean Salisbury is a dumbass, you'll have to keep searching. Oh, and yes, Bill Mueller is worth keeping at $9.

Have a nice day.

I was grinding away yesterday at the Paradise $0.50/$1.00 tables yesterday, trying to clear a bonus -- only 580 hands to go -- when I ran into a truly ridiculous table coach.

I get KdQd in early position. I raise. Coach 3-bets, 2 players come along for the ride. Flop is QJT, there may have been 1 diamond. I bet, coach raises, one player cold calls 2 bets, I call. Turn is a 9 completing my straight, suits no longer relevant. I bet, coach raises, random player calls, I call. River is an Ace. I bet, coach raises, I reraise, he caps, I call.

I show the nut straight, he shows AA for the rivered set.

Coach proceeds to spend the next ten minutes complaining about how (1) I shouldn't have even called preflop with KQs, and (2) even if I had, I never should have called his reraise. In a large pot I'm loving this hand preflop.

WTF?

Okay, coach. Whatever.

A highlight from last night's home game: The very first hand of the evening I'm in early position and get dealt the Hammer (7-2 off). I raise $1.00 to $1.20. Two callers.

Flop is a pair and a blank. Checked around. Turn is a 7. I make a wuss-sized bet. One caller. River is a blank. Another wuss-sized bet, and the Hammer rakes the first pot of the evening - King-Five no goot.

Yesterday's work:

Playing more or less "Correct" Style: 271 hands, 23.24% VP$IP (good starters, one very loose table with near 50% VP$IP), -51.56BB (not good otherwise), -19.03 BB/100 (approximately). Guess I better not quit my day job.

Playing RIGGED!-Style: 64 hands, 48.44% VP$IP, +11.7BB, +18.71 BB/100

The only thing I can't figure out is how my VP$IP was under 50% playing RIGGED! style. Must be that I need to add 8-2o and 9-2o to the arsenal.

First off, how much do I love Party Poker now? Don't ask. But there are a lot of reasons all of a sudden. Let's just say there were a whole lot of people added to my buddy list tonight. I even was dealt the HAMMER in the big blind, it came to me unraised, I flopped 2 pair and rivered the baby boat. I got a caller and got to show! Some days, you gotta love this game.

Turning to a more important subject, I have something to offer my regular readers -- all nine of you. I said yesterday I would be publishing an e-book, and lo and behold, I have done just that.

Presenting RIGGED! The Real E-Story of How The People Who Make Billions Running Internet Poker Really Are Out To Get You and How You Can Fight Back and Win

EDITED @ 11:45 a.m. -- someone hijacked my link, so I'll have to repost to a different file storage site. Please note that the hijackers set up a bunch of trojan horses, so if you didn't get the ebook, please run an antivirus program ASAP. Bastards.

EDITED @ 1:30 p.m. -- let's try this link for RIGGED!

It's kind of long, but do you really have anything better to do?

If I make it to Vegas, I'm thinking I might print out and scatter a few copies around various poker rooms, bus stops and highway underpasses.

Strange things were definitely afoot at the Circle K last night.

The mad geniuses behind the obvious rigging of internet poker had themselves a field day. It was a thoroughly strange assortment of events. Being me, of course I feel the need to bore the world with the gory details.

Speaking of gore, Robert Blake got off and Scott Peterson’s going to fry. It’s interesting how two cases based entirely on circumstantial evidence can turn out so differently.

Anyway, first off, I really thought I had a shot at hitting the bad beat jackpot on Party. I sit down in the big blind and get dealt pocket 9s. I make quads on the flop of J99. Someone bets into me, I play veeery slow to maximize the chances of hitting the big score. Turn is an Ace, suit not relevant. The person betting into me slows down. River is another Jack. I bet, villain raises, I reraise. I’m begging here. “PLEASE have JJ”. I could really use that 25 grand or so. Please. I’m breaking out my best James Brown impersonation.

Please please please please
(please please, oh oh)
please, please, please
(please, please, oh oh)

He didn’t have JJ.

I should go back and look at the hand history, because my best guess as to what he had would be KJ, QJ or JT. I should have known it wasn’t JJ, because I don’t think it was raised preflop.

Nuts.

Other than that, not much else was working. I had a table with great starters (VP$IP of 23%), I had a table with horrible starters (6% VP$IP). Both were losers. I missed flops by a wider margin than Detroit Lions QBs miss open receivers. If I did flop a set, it got taken out by a straight or a frush. It wasn’t pretty. I did manage quad Aces, sucking out on the river to defeat a probable turned frush. Even I find it hard to lose with quads, not that it would bother me all that much to do so (that’s a hint, Party Poker, please get busy on that).

Of course, if I do lose with quads, it probably won’t be on a bad beat jackpot table. I’ve done some analysis as to how much the jackpot drop hurts your winrate, and it’s much more significant than I thought it would be. It’s just stupid to play those tables at the $2/$4 level, but I do it anyway. It’s the rules of attraction -- you have to love the prospect of the sizable score. Even a table share once the jackpot reaches $100,000 is quite a bit more than my online bankroll. It’s much like playing the lottery – hugely negative EV, but it would certainly be awesome to hit it.

Getting back to the play-by-play, I also tried a couple lowish buyin MTTs, with annoying results – busted out of both close to the money. I did get to see at least two really strange hands:

I contemplate and fold 55, which I have received for the third time in four hands. Three players get it all in preflop – AK vs. AT vs. 66. Flop is KQ6, putting the set of 6s ahead of AK’s top pair. Turn is a J, giving AT the lead with the nut straight. The river is the case 6 for quads and the improbable come from ahead then from behind victory.

And then, this one time at band camp I got it all in with KK. Oops, someone behind that I put on AK actually had AA. Good thing for me the flop came K33 with no Aces on the turn or river. I had to apologize to the poor victim. That was just evil.

I really need to cut back on the play. Maybe I should try and learn something instead.

I think I’m going to write an ebook. Unlike people who appear to have invested time and knowledge to produce a useful piece of work, I plan to go totally stream of consciousness, doing no research or editing. It’ll be called “RIGGED! The True Story of How The People Who Make Billions Running Internet Poker Really Are Out To Get You”. I think it’ll be a huge hit with the black helicopter and tinfoil hat crowd. Maybe I can get on “Inside Edition” or “Geraldo”.

I get to travel to Minneapolis on business next week. Hopefully this will mean that I get to spend Friday evening in the familiar comforting environment of the Midwest’s finest card playing establishment, Canterbury Park, twiddling my thumbs as it takes three hours to get through the 3/6 or 4/8 waitlist.

Back to work.

"If it doesn't have cheese melted over the top, then it's not fucking worth eating." - Boy Genius

Preach on, brother.

A couple of drivelish lunchtime thoughts. Let's eat.

Had a very solid session at Party last night, ending way up. It would have been even better, to the point of being my best ever, if only I hadn't had those Aces cracked by 76s late in the evening. But still, no complaints. It's been a wild ride the last few days - up on Friday, way down on Saturday, killed again early on Sunday before getting the day's losses back and a bit more in two hands. Back up last night.

It's a strange game.

On the subject of poker, I have discovered a leak in my game.

Lunch.

Really. Lunch.

It turns out that lunch sessions are a significant loser for me. Nothing gigantic, just steady losses of 4, 5, 10 BB. There are a couple small wins, but the trend is definitely negative. I don't know if it's better competition, that I'm limited to 30-40 minutes, or what. But whatever it is, I would be ahead of the game if I just let it go and only played at night and on the weekends. I think I need to do that. It's only been a couple weeks since I've been back to playing, so I don't think it'll be too hard to stop.

As I was leaving to go to lunch, I saw a kid skateboarding through the parking lot. My thoughts, in roughly the order they came up: Isn't this a school day? Who the f skateboards in March when it's 30 degrees and flurrying? What happens if you hit a patch of ice on a skateboard? How is it that I got to be middle aged and cranky already?

Is it really only Tuesday?

A mediocre 33rd of 93 in the WPBT HORSE tournament on Full Tilt tonight.

Played the Hold'em portion of the event like a complete donkey. You'd think I'd never played the game before. So help me, the only game I played with any level of competence was Razz.

I was the short stack of 70 at the first break with 350 chips left. Tripled up with a straight (no low) in Omaha/8b. Later won a sizable pot making a wheel in Razz and getting a caller all the way. I even made a brief appearance on the first page of the leader board.

And then it was back to holdem. I play bad, and out in 2 hands. Ugh.

Tired of winning lots of money playing poker? Want to shake up your game with a losing session or two? I can help.

I am a professional.

Here's the condensed version of our two hour, hands on, regularly $199, Masters level course in advanced loserdom: Wait for a lot of premium hands, play them hard, and expect carnage to ensue. Remember at all times that online poker IS rigged and they ARE out to get you.

This isn't just conjecture. It's a fact, Jack. Keep those simple concepts in mind while we go to a case study, which we'll call "How to Drop a Buyin in Less Than One Hour":

In our example, assume that you are "Hero". You are playing reasonably tight at a table full of fairly fishy players. Play aggressively pre-flop, and alternate between aggression and resignation post-flop. If you don't get the following results when you attempt to duplicate this exercise later, lather, rinse, repeat and try again:

Hero's KK loses to Q2 off. Yep, Villain called a raise with Q2 off.

Hero's QQ goes down to AKo. K on the flop, of course, and no J comes to give me a straight.

Hero's QQ is crushed by A6s. Thanks for that ace on the flop.

Hero's AKo loses to Q8s. Not to a flush, to a pair of 8s.

Hero's AKo is destroyed by 53o when a five appears on the river for a pair. That's right, raises and bets called with 53o.

Hero gets JJ. Someone behind inevitably has KK.

Hero pulls the always awesome QQ. WTF? It holds up, in the face of a board of 4-5-6-8 double suited at the turn? This part will NOT be on the test. Villains NEVER fold.

Be sure to call these down, because premium hands are never supposed to lose. To be sure that you don't fold, expect that the internet poker people will give you outs, which won't hit, pot odds to call, or that at the very least they'll give you players who'll play any two cards all the way to the river so you'll feel like your hand might be good. Remember to play hard. Get frustrated, get angry. Both will help you accomplish your goal of having a wicked losing session.

Any questions? No? Good. Class dismissed. You'll be a money losin' fool in no time flat. Good luck.

Your instructor might need to go find a bunch of tequila or something.

I know, I know, I should invest in a copy of Pokertracker Guide.

For those who have, is there a section on how to get Pokertracker to tell you just how much you've lost on river suckouts in a session? I'd be very interested to know what exactly it's been today. The over/under is about $300.00, which has turned a nicely profitable day into one of pure frustration.

This is whining, and will stop here, but jebus have I been on the wrong side of the variance monster tonight.

On a more amusing note, I just checked recent search engine referrals to this site. I can understand the hits from "tilt season finale" and "rudi bakhtiar", but...

"sean salisbury is a dumbass" ?

Okay, if that'll build traffic. Sean Salisbury is indeed a dumbass. As, apparently, am I if tonight's play is any indication.

A rocking Friday night here in geektown.

Damage was done to the pocketbooks of the fish on Party. I appear to have become a full Party convert -- Thanks to Pokertracker and locally stored hand histories, playing elsewhere just seems unnecessarily complicated.

Do fish have pockets?

It'd also been a while since I'd played a multitable tournament, so I fired up my favorite Prima site and played in the always dependable $4,500 guaranteed $25 NL freezeout fiesta.

I think I'm starting to understand how crimes of passion are born.

I cruise along, playing the simplest strategy imaginable - wait for good cards. I don't get called when I push with AA and KK. I double up once, with AA. I make a preflop raiser fold when I push hard with AK. I don't have to focus much, which is good, since I'm having a good night with the bluegills.

The tournament itself is an absolute dream. 170 entrants, and almost half bust out in the first half hour. We're down to about 70 at the first break.

With 38 players left (money is top 20), I get AQo on the button and raise it. A short stack commits most of his stack to call. I get an A on the flop, bet enough to put him all in. His baby pair turns a set and he doubles through. Only cost about 1/3 of my stack, but I'm steaming.

Next hand, I have a complete mental meltdown. It's folded around to me in the SB, and I decide to try and steal from the fairly tight, big stacked BB. With 4-2 suited. Good lord. He calls, and by the time I've made the obligatory continuation bet on the low card flop, I've commited the bulk of my stack. Another call. A K on the turn, I stupidly make another attempt to buy the pot, he has King-rag, and my 2s and straight draw don't improve on the river.

From solid play to complete assjackery in thirty seconds.

So it's off to fund my brand new Full Tilt account and test out the software. Early review: It's okay. I goof around and manage to win $2.70 playing PL Omaha/8, clearing a massive $0.32 of bonus in the process. I play a little play-chip Razz (with Studio Glyphic at the table). Razz makes my head hurt.

And I join many other bloggers in watching CJ from Up for Poker dominating a $100 NL tournament, until he gets cold-decked (I'm assuming) as the final table approaches and ultimately bubbles out. I would think that had to sting a little more than, say, busting out in 38th.

So now it's the weekend, finally, and there are things to be done. Including clearing way too many bonuses -- I still have work to do at Paradise and Full Tilt, there's a PokerStars bonus that I probably won't get to, and heaven help me if a Party reload comes up anytime soon.

Because it's almost Friday and not because anybody asked, here's what's on my "to do" list for the upcoming weekend:

* Pick up and do the inevitable six loads of laundry.
* Buy ticket to upcoming Kasey Chambers concert, April 23 in Chicago.
* Catch up on sleep lost due to unfortunate "WarGames" incident.
* Figure out keepers for rotisserie baseball leagues. Bill Mueller at $9?
* Locate a copy of Harrington on Hold'em for upcoming travel downtime.
* Watch season finale of "Tilt".
* Consume Clover Bar pizza, preferably with beer and munchies.
* Write letter(s) to congressman and/or editor about what a disgrace the pending bankruptcy "reform" law is. Consider renouncing democracy and capitalism.
* Decide not to mail letter(s) and to just be ticked off instead.
* Stay indoors, especially if it keeps snowing.
* Abuse fish on Party and offer many prayers that they stop sucking out on the river so often.
* Finish a few tax returns.
* Donate $5.00 to various degenerate gamblers.
* Prepare draft of upcoming breakthrough article on why Jack Seven is the most dangerous of all underappreciated poker hands.
* Change the channel anytime anything Michael Jackson related comes on.
* Wish that Monday didn't come so fast.

If only there were a way to fast forward directly to about six p.m. tomorrow.

Oh, no. A conundrum.

You see, there's a blogger tournament on Sunday at 9:00 p.m.

On the other hand, at the same time, ESPN is showing the season finale of "Tilt".

Yeah, so what, right? I can almost hear you muttering "just shut up and get a TiVo already". As if that were an option. I am a "Tilt" addict, and I'm not sure I can wait for my fix.

But the tournament would be fun, too. If I make it home in time, I fully plan on participating (read: by donating my entry fee to someone who's actually played at least one hand of stud/8 or razz).

Decisions, decisions...

Guess I better go find a Full Tilt affiliate or six.

”I loved it when you nuked Las Vegas. Suitably biblical ending to the place, don't you think?”
John Wood as Dr. Stephen Falken in “WarGames”

Shall we play a game?

I had a post a number of days back with a bunch of random, silly questions. One of those had to do with movies that you’ll watch whenever they’re on TV.

My list had a glaring omission: “WarGames”.

Yup. “WarGames”. From 1983. Starring Matthew Broderick and young Ally Sheedy. It was on last night. At 1:00 A.M. on Turner Classic Movies.

I think I have a problem. I watched the whole darned thing.

Not surprisingly, I’m stumbling around in a total fog this morning as if I were in the middle of participating in a multiple bottle drunkfest. I guess there’s something about the old school technology (8” floppies, an acoustic modem that you stick the handset into, dot matrix printer – heck, he was probably running CP/M) that appeals to whatever part of me is still a computer geek. Throw in the excellent war room computer graphics – which have held up beautifully, unlike the Soviet Union or Kirstie Alley’s physical appearance – plus young Ally Sheedy and I just can’t stop watching. It’s a sickness.

Excuse me for a sec.

mmmmmm. young Ally Sheedy.



Okay, I’m back. And before you think I’m some kind of Michael Jacksonish twisted perv, she was 21 when that movie was released. I’m not that messed up.

I would go into a dissertation on the stages of Ally’s career, but it was pretty much all downhill from “WarGames” as far as I’m concerned and we can keep it short. I didn’t care for her characters or appearance in “The Breakfast Club” or “St. Elmo’s Fire”, That’s pretty much it. She’s been in a million things since then, but I haven’t kept track.

And now with the boring poker content. Since this is a vanity project, I’ll report another modestly profitable session playing 2/4 limit on the always popular Party Poker. The Party roll is about to the point where it’s at the recommended amount to play 1/2, but so far so good. As long as I stick to a strict stop-loss rule and drop if I hit it, I’ll be OK. For now, anyway, it’s worth it to keep taking a shot. Table selection remains key – I’ve found some with five players to the flop, and some with two.

It was disappointing to see someone hit the bad beat jackpot yesterday afternoon. It was finally getting up to a reasonably attractive number. Not multiple hundreds of thousands, but appealing nonetheless.

I would certainly improve my win rate if I could just eliminate one or two mistakes per session. Case in point: I get QJs, in position (I believe I was in the CO) with multiple limpers so I play. Family pot. I flop the nut flush – A and K of my suit on the board. I check the flop and call one bet from someone acting behind me. The turn pairs the K. I check again, looking to checkraise (ERROR! ERROR!). It’s checked around. The river pairs the A and I lose a modest pot to someone holding A4o who never would have hung around if I’d played it fast and bet the flop. He probably wouldn’t have stayed around to see a river card if I’d just bet the turn. There was no reason not to bet the flop – with the A and K on the board, it’s unlikely that anyone else was playing for a flush in that suit and would give action. Sometimes you need to take a small pot now, instead of hoping to snag a monster pot later.

It also appears that I fold too much on the river, that I’m not raising enough preflop, and that my overall aggression level is pretty modest. All things to work on. I’m still a fish, genus calling station.

I also played in the 2+2 GrannyMae TOEJAM $10 rebuy on Paradise last night. I rarely have the patience to even attempt to calculate EV, but this was a no-brainer. About 120 players, rebuys, addons, and well over $1,000 in knockout bounties.

It was a rough start -- totally card dead for the first 45 minutes with not a single pocket pair or ace with better than a 6 kicker. It must be that the rest of the table was having similar issues, as it was the tightest table I’ve ever seen in any multi-table tournament, let alone a rebuy. I finally get something – AA – and double up. I steal a couple blinds and small pots, and have more than doubled my initial chip count (I did take the immediate rebuy option). Last hand before the end of the rebuy period, I get AJs in the BB and reraise a MP player all-in. He’s got 99, I don’t improve and double him up. At least with a rebuy and the add-on, I’m OK in chips.

I get a couple of monster hands in the second hour, and gradually build my stack. I don’t get many trouble hands and the ones I did receive are safely folded without costing much. I didn’t take detailed notes (or any notes, for that matter), but at some point once we’re in the money (20 paid), I’m up to 2nd chip position overall. A most unusual development.

After the second break, I go completely card dead. I don’t get any stealing opportunities, and find a succession of 10-3o type hands in the blinds. Hard to commit even one-sixth of your stack defending that junk. Fold. Blind escalation at this point is insane. I’m hanging on by my fingernails – I get blinded down to 6th chip position with 13 left, and I’ve only got 4x the BB.

As is usually the case, one mistake cost me. I’m second to act at a six or seven-handed table and get KJs. As mentioned, the blinds are nuts. Since this is the best hand I’ve seen in about 30 minutes, I push to try and steal. The big blind has me covered, wakes up to AKo, and I don’t get any help. All that work for a profit of about $10.00 after the costs of entry. No bounties, either – I think I somehow managed to only knock out one player, and he wasn’t covered.

I gotta stop.

“’Connection terminated.’ How rude!”

I meant it. I really did. I said I was going to stop after another half hour or so last night.

I didn't.

And boy, am I glad I didn't.

I take back every bad thing I've ever said about Party Poker. Good lord those players are awful. Thanks to an extended session of one tabling 2-4 limit, I picked up enough profit to wipe out all of my accumulated Party losses and then some. Not a huge dollar amount in the grand scheme of things, but a few hundred to the good is a real pleasant turn of events.

Anyone else been checkraised on the river lately by someone holding Queen high?

Sorry, chief, I really did have that flush.

Nor am I Tiger Woods.

One thing that I am is a fan of unusual and humorous screen names and keep a list of sorts of my favorites. I used to have "PartyIsRiggd" at the top of the list, but it has now been replaced.

"nh_idiot" is the new leader in the clubhouse. It says it all, especially for Party Poker. Wish i'd thought of it first. And thank you, bonus code: IGGY.

Managed to get in some time on the tables today. After a wickedly horrible early session at Paradise -- I had a good seven pocket pairs of QQ or better, and the only one that held up was AA the one time I got it -- doing some stupid bonus chasing, I've retreated to Party. Good thing it was only $0.50/$1.00 limit. Now, thanks to my many Tetra-Min dependent friends and a lightbulb moment on the subject of table selection, if I don't completely go mental in the next half hour or so I'll actually have a decent winning day. That would be a pleasant change.

So I only went 5-for-6 on picking the hockey games. I'm not surprised that Holy Angels beat Moorhead, but i did think it was the Spuds' year.

A little math on yesterday's poker efforts:

1 hour or so on Paradise playing $0.50/$1.00 ........ + $ 9.00
Bonus cleared and credited ............................. + $10.00
One six pack, Miller Lite, including tax & deposit .... - $ 6.00
One home game, if only Dan had stayed home .......... - $16.00
Adjustment for 3 beers remaining after home game .... + $ 3.00

Net for day ................................................... $ 0.00

This is how you make a living at poker, people.

I did receive the second best flop I've ever seen in the home game. BG deals me KK down. Flop is AKK.

Dropped an absurd amount of money on the kind of trouble hand that seems to get me more than most. I get a pair of 6s down, flop a set, but the board is all black. I don't push anyone out, a flush is made, I don't boat up. Need to learn to lay that down when the bets and pot size don't make it worth continuing.

I should clearly quit playing poker and switch to handicapping high school hockey.

Finals predictions:
2A: Moorhead 3, Holy Angels 2
1A: Warroad 5, Totino-Grace 3

Bringing you the sports info that matters, and that Vegas is too scared to post.... that's right, handicapping of the Minnesota State High School Hockey Tournament.

You were expecting poker content?

Class 2A

Moorhead (24-2-2) vs. Duluth East (18-11). It's hard to lean against the Greyhounds, who've sent many a player on to the college ranks. But they're a little short on offensive firepower up dere in Daloot, so the Spuds are the easy pick. Prediction Moorhead 5, Duluth East 2.

Holy Angels (24-3-1) vs. Tartan (24-3-2). A battle of two teams which should be fairly evenly matched. Holy Angels fought through Bloomington Jefferson in the quarterfinals, and that counts for something. Prediction Holy Angels 3, Tartan 2.

Class 1A

Duluth Marshall (23-6) vs. Totino-Grace (26-3). The pizza rolls had the luxury of playing a sub-.500 team in the quarterfinals. The close personal friends of Jeno Palucci will be rested and ready to take it down. Prediction Totino-Grace 4, Duluth Marshall 2.

St. Thomas Academy (18-10) vs. Warroad (25-0-2). It's always hard to pick against the Cadets in any sport. They're tough. But the fact of the matter is that they're young and up against the best team in the state. The home of hockey by several. Prediction Warroad 6, St. Thomas Academy 2.

Confession time. I enjoy the heck out of ESPN's "Tilt". I've said it before - as long as you don't confuse it with being truly poker-related, it's pretty solid entertainment.

Tonight's episode. Two words. Pure genius. When they were profiling (as part of the fake ESPN broadcast) the internet whiz kid, I laughed so hard I thought I would fall off the couch.

Three tabling. On three different screens. With multiple computers and keyboards.

Awesome. Add in the fact the kid was portrayed as a total antisocial assjack, and that's good TV.

A few miscellaneous thoughts, comments and rants from an overlong session last night:

* It is definitely cool to stumble across familiar names when hitting the virtual felt. In addition to Toby from the Nut Heart Flush, I saw at least three more better other bloggers (drizztdj, Donkey Puncher, lacerated sky) plugging away while scanning the 25NL lists on Party. BTW, Toby, I do regret not being more chatty -- as it was, I was playing another MTT, answering email and configuring Pokertracker at the same time. Still a pleasure to play with you. Better cards next time, right?

* That Stars event had a particularly obnoxious jump in blinds sometime after the second break. I forget what it was exactly, but it was something like 300/600 (or 400/800) directly to 1000/2000 with the ante going up as well. I went from having about 16-20 BBs at that point to immediately into the BB with only 4-5 BBs left after posting.

* Poker is hard. After busting out of both tournaments (I think Queens got cracked to bounce me from the other one, too) and getting Pokertracker and GameTime+ set up, I played a little $2/$4, just one table, to mess around with them. Pretty slick.

Unlike the play. I immediately lost sizeable pots with (you guessed it) QQ and AKs. A couple marginal plays and a missed open ended straight draw, and I'm quickly down $70.00. Ouch. I think my BB/100 number was something like -50.

Not to be overly results-oriented or anything (ha ha), but that just wouldn't do. Thanks to a rotating cast of fishy players and gamblers, I managed to grind my way back above water. By a whole $6. Good enough, done for the night. I don't have the bankroll at Party to play $2/$4, so it will be back to the $0.50/$1.00 and 25NL tables, but it was an interesting diversion.

* Speaking of Pokertracker, all of my results numbers are currently red. Sure, it's thanks to a poor run at Party while demo-ing, but it's still all red. Among the unprofitable hands: AA, AKs, AKo and (duh) QQ. Okay, deep breath and repeat: "Small sample size. Small sample size. Small sample size."

* I think I need a ridiculous looking Party Poker visor to wear with a pair of (yet to be acquired) Blu Blockers for my next trip to Little River. Only about 50 more Party points to go.

* People in that Stars event were weenies strangely tight beyond the first couple levels. I got no action the two times I recall having AA, despite fairly modest preflop raises. Also had KK UTG, wanted to limp-reraise, and nobody took a shot.

* Pizza Hut continues to come up with (hi, Bob!) retarded new menu ideas. It will not be difficult to resist the 3 Pepperoni job, much like it was not at all challenging to avoid the dipping strips pizza. Ugh.

* Watched a few minutes of the WPT Mirage broadcast. I would not have recognized Gape Kaplan. And I could have done with way fewer Mr. Kotter references from Vince Van Patten. Just shut up already, willya?

* It looks like you can watch a handful of baseball games (spring training) over the internet through MLB.com, including (I think) tonight's Twins-Red Sox games. Not bad. Now, if someone could internet broadcast the MN state HS Hockey tournament, that would be special.

Hey, this is different. Playing a random $10 MTT on Stars, and I'm moved to the same table as Toby from The Nut Heart Flush.

Pretty cool.

Not so cool losing with a dominating hand -- QQ v. AQ. A on the turn. Out 71st of 1192. Stupid queens cost me a third of my stack earlier, too, going down to A9o. At least I had a classic Riverstars moment earlier, needing to catch any heart on the river to beat a higher straight and stay alive, I catch the card that fills my inside straight flush draw.

I can't see doing this kind of tournament on a regular basis -- surviving 1100 others to "win" about twelve bucks above the buyin? Madness. But since it appears that Prima is axing a lot of their MTTs, I may not have much choice.

In the event anyone who wastes their time reading this drivel feels like frittering away next Tuesday night, a Two Plus Two event has been set up at Paradise, 8 pm ET. Look in the Internet forum under TOEJAM official thread for all the details. It's a $10 rebuy NLHE event.

I'm planning to play, if only because I'm a complete sucker, the bounties are REALLY good (and likely to get better) and it's a chance to check out another site. You can also use bonus code Granny for a 50% to $100.00 signup bonus if you're not already there. I know nothing about the site, but I'm willing to give it a shot. I can vouch, on limited but real experience, for GrannyMae's integrity. Should be a good time.

I've put up a $70.00 bounty for anyone who knocks me out with Jack Seven.

It doesn't even have to be sooted.

All are welcome. You have to be a 2+2 forum member in order to collect bounties, but not to play. Is it really that difficult to register and post a "Are there any Party reload bonuses out there right now?" question? No! So if you're going to play, go do it.

See you there.

(Note: I'm no 2+2 regular, unless you count making occasional off-color posts in OOT and asking really stupid MTT strategy questions, so I can't vouch for the quality of play, the amount of smack that will be talked or anything like that.)

Important Announcement:

I was just dealt pocket Aces, and that trash hand held up for once.

It is an absolute fricking miracle. Capped preflop, 2 callers all the way down, board paired on the flop, straight possibilities, you name it.

Maybe I don't hate Party Poker after all.

Edited to add:

Oh, I do so hate Party Poker. Someone just hit the bad beat jackpot, not on my table. And in a fabulous twist of fate, the very next hand, I get dealt AA, the flop comes 666 and I lose to some joker who called my preflop raise with A6o.

Anger.... rising.

At least I'm smart enough to shut it down for a change.