Res Ipsa Poker

{Ed note: I apologize to anyone who's still using dialup}

Let's take a little trip into the future. I'm pretty sure this is going to happen.

May 23, 2008

Phil Helmuth Jr. was soaking in his backyard jacuzzi and contemplating lunch when the phone rang.

"Hellmuth residence, the 11 time world champion of poker speaking."

"Phil, this is [name redacted] at Ultimate Bet."

"[Name redacted], how the hell are you? I'm great. I'm going to win number 12 this year and I'm not going to stop there let me tell you. I'm already the best poker player that's ever lived and this is the year I put some real distance between myself and the pack."

"Um, Phil..."

"You see, I'm going to play more events. First I revolutionized how to play hold'em, now I'm going to crushizzle those other punk games. Those inferior players won't know what hit 'em."

"Uh, Phil..."

"It's all part of my marketing plan. I'm already famous. This year, I get MEGA famous."

"That's the problem, Phil..."

"What problem?"

"You're not famous ... at least not famous enough."

"Do you know who you're talking to? I'm an 11 time world champion. I've written books. People come up to me every time I play and thank me for teaching them how to spot Elephants and Eagles at the poker table. How can I not be famous enough?"

"It's the kids, Phil. We need the kids. Too many of them weren't born when you won the main event back in 1989. When we ask them what they think of Phil, they think we're asking about Ivey."

"Ivey? Why that ...."

"Phil, you're the face of Ultimate Bet. We need you. More than ever. We need to keep scrutiny off our relationship with Absolute Poker and that whole scandal thing."

"Um.."

"You see, Phil, we need the kids if we're going to make money. And by make money I mean keep paying you."

"You got me. What do you want me to do, consigliere?"

"Like I said, Phil, it's all about the kids. We've been doing market research, trying to understand them. We've picked up on some trends. For one thing, the kids are just crazy about this Myspace thing. And their music. They can't get enough of something called Soulja Boy."

"Soulja Boy? What the hell is that?"

"Phil, I'm old and white. I don't get it. But the kids, they're cranking dat. We need you to get in on this. Trust me."

{fade out}